How the Left Stole Freedom (adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Xmas by Dr. Seuss)
Most folks down in ‘Murica liked freedom a lot…
But the Left, who lived amongst them, for some reason, did not!
The Left hated freedom, no one really knows why.
Could be that collectivists don’t like the word “I.”
It could be their heads weren’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that their brains were two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, this much was true,
The Left schemed and plotted to take freedom from you.
Staring down from their towers of ivory elite,
They conjured up ways to keep you under their feet.
“Look at them down there, with their guns and their speech,
It makes us so mad that control’s out of reach.”
“We’ve got a plan,” the Left said with a sneer,
“We MUST find some way to stop freedom this year!”
They dispatched their minions, in the Senate and House,
An Army of Lawyers who would endlessly grouse.
“Guns are unsafe! Speech codes in our schools!
You can’t self-govern, you know-nothing fools!”
The Muricans listened to this hullabaloo
And began to believe that this nonsense was true.
“Perhaps we should listen to our friends on the Left,
After all, they speak with such intellectual heft.”
More degrees than thermometers, letters after their names
The Left seemed to have a leg up on the game.
“We’re the experts,” said the Left, “please do as we say.”
And slowly but surely, Muricans’ freedom decayed.
“Aha!” said the Left. “Our vile plan is working!
We’ll regulate everything, from Bitcoin to twerking!”
“We know what is best, so obey your minders.
Liberty is outdated. Here, put on these blinders.”
So Muricans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
But the Left had ensured oversight had increased.
Normally, they’d eat pudding and the rarest roast beast.
Which was something the Left couldn’t stand in the least!
So along came the Left and nanny state crew,
To take away sodium and sugar from food.
And worst of the lot was the one called Michelle
That turned the school lunchtime into a terrible hell.
Then the Left began to complain about wages
“How can the poor get through life’s early stages?”
Tugging at heartstrings, who needs the facts?
Question the motives? Invite the attacks.
Around all of Murica, the Left pulled the strings
Bringing order to chaos is how they saw things.
But soon came a backlash, this much was clear.
In November the Left caught a big foot in the rear.
“The Muricans should thank us, we’re helping them out.
Isn’t that what being Murican is all about?”
“Only if by choice,” said a voice from the hall.
The Left was caught stunned by the words of Rand Paul.
“The problem, you see, with your plotting and scheming,
Is that Liberty and Freedom have lost all their meaning.
The freedom to choose is our greatest achievement,
We won’t give it up for some minor appeasement.”
“But we’re keeping you safe!” said the Left with frustration.
“Surely we must manage and control this great nation.”
“You’ve got it all wrong,” said Rand with a smile.
“The answer has been there in your face all the while.”
“Leave people alone, let markets solve problems.
Too many rules on their backs will just hobble them.
There will always be troubles, this much is true,
But look at the stats; they’re made worse by you.”
And what happened then? Well, in Murica they say,
The Left’s small brains grew three sizes that day!!
They scaled back their helping, went back to their roots.
Devolving their power, they put away their jack boots.
“Hoozah and hooray!” the Muricans cheered,
Freedom was back, it had not disappeared!
The Left joined the rest for the holiday feast,
And Rand Paul himself went and served the roast beast!